Diary of an Average Weirdo
by LVOWL
Summary: He was a rebellious rocker and I was, well, a weirdo. There was no interaction between us until one fateful accident and a crazy chain of events that followed: super glue, a total war, and an evil project from hell! Who knew we'd be friends after it all?


Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize!

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Diary of an Average Weirdo

Chapter One: Outbreak of War

Today was going to be great. Wonderful, in fact. I could just feel it and I'm normally a pessimist too so that had to mean something. Right? I hopped out of bed before my alarm, which I normally don't do, and got in the shower. It felt great and I soaked up the hot water like a thirsty sponge. I stayed in a bit longer than usual so I wasn't surprised when I heard a knock at the door.

"Yeah?" I called, rinsing the last of the conditioner from my hair.

"Nichole, the city water department just called," my dad said through the door, "They asked for you to stop using up the reserve."

"Ha ha,"

He was a real joker. The total opposite of my mom, she's pretty up tight about most things but I guess she has to balance it out.

The shower sputtered off and I toweled myself dry. I wiped the fog from the mirror and looked at my reflection. My dark circles weren't that visible. Good, they were a pain to try and conceal. I normally ended up looking like a raccoon. After I blow-dried my hair and put some mousse in, it looked half decent. My hair was very fickle. Half the time it wanted to be curly and the other half, it wanted to be straight, so I ended up with a weird hybrid. The consequence being that it stuck up in odd places and wouldn't lie flat. I think it's just angry at me for dying it, dirty blonde, if you cared. Another problem with my hair was that it was super long; it's almost down to my butt. My mom won't let me cut it. She says I'll regret it if I do but personally I think she's just pushing her own dreams on me, as usual. Why am I talking about my hair? Who cares?

Fast forward. Going to school, on my baby. No, I'm not flying on an infant. My baby happens to be a mint green Vespa PX 150, a birthday present from my dear parents for my sweet sixteen last year. Can you say best birthday ever? I parked on the far side of the student lot, the crazy drivers don't go there, and jogged up to the building of Westmoore High.

I got to my locker in record time and fiddled with the lock. I completely forgot the combination but muscle memory opened it every time. I pulled out the books for my classes and shut the door. I wasn't surprised to see a grinning face behind it.

"Hey, Mare," I said casually.

Mary, my best friend, giggled and looped her arm around mine. "One of these days, I'll scare you."

I smiled, "Not any day soon!"

We took our seats in Bio and listened as our teacher gave us instructions. Today was dissection day! Whoopee! In the lab, we put on our cool gear, apron, goggles, the works! I made my latex gloves slap my wrists as I put them on.

"The patient must be operated on." I said grinning at the dead frog, "Nurse, scalpel!"

Mary cringed as I made the first incision; surgery was not her forte. I always had to do all the dirty work, not that I cared. This kind of thing fascinated me. Blood, body systems, skeletons, its cool but I wouldn't want to be a nurse or even a vet for that matter, too much responsibly. I'd rather work on dead things. Maybe I should be a mortician? Hmm…

"That was totally gross!" Mary said after class.

"The smell bothered me more than the frog guts." I replied.

Pre-calc was on the third floor. By the time we got to the room, I was out of breath. Those stairs kicked my arse! Note to self: get in shape! I'll spare you the boredom I went through during class though I will mention the amazing doodle I drew in my copy book. It spanned the whole page. At the top in black ink was a bunch of storm clouds with clocks and fish in them and underneath was a wicked battle scene. A crudely drawn Batman was riding a T-rex into a black hole and on the other side was a dragon shooting a laser beam a t a ninja. It was badass! Much more interesting than whatever math I was supposed to learn…

Fast forward again. I was in Ancient History. We had a test today. I completely forgot but luckily, I was pretty knowledgeable about this chapter, it was the Ancient Greece. See? I told you it was going to be a great day. About five minutes in, I notice that the creep sitting next to me is staring at my desk, more precisely, my paper. It's Jake Snartly. Don't you just hate that name? Its so… unpleasant to say and his personality is even worse. He's the captain of the football team. Snartly's the typical jock; thinks he's better than everyone just because he can score a touchdown. He expects seas to part before him, never mind how he acts around girls. Yuck!

I could call him out on his cheating but I have a better idea. The test is set up as multiple choice and matching with the simple A, B, C, D format. We use the little evil scantron sheets for our answers and that's where my plan comes into play. The teacher doesn't care about our actual test paper, we can write whatever we like on it. So, I write in big writing on the test all of the wrong answers, knowing the dimwit will copy them without question while I fill in the correct answers on my scantron. Clever, eh? Sometimes I amaze myself.

I couldn't help but snicker as we handed in our tests. Snartly looked so smug. Oh, how I will love to see his shocked face when we get it back… But as for now, lunch! Onward!

I got in line right away and grabbed a tray. Today was hotdog day and, get this, we had surprise chocolate cake! I know! This day couldn't get any better!

"Thank you!" I said cheerily to the miserable looking lunch lady and went to find Mary.

I spotted her easily. We always ate in the same corner table. I was walking over to her and didn't notice the plastic spork that someone had so negligently left behind. Without warning, I slid, doing a split. To try and balance myself, I threw my arms up… as well as my lunch tray. I watched in horror as my delicious lunch soared through the air. I'd like to say that I jumped up and with super human-like reflexes, caught the whole thing but, alas, I did not. My lunch, hotdog , cake, soda and jello, ended up not in my stomach, but on Rodrick Heffley.

It looked as though he was going to cry, cry or go into a homicidal rage, or both. I didn't move. So long as I stayed perfectly still, he wouldn't see me. Wasn't that how it worked? His eyes landed on me. Guess not.

"Blanche," he growled.

That was me, my last name, but it might as well have been a command since I felt the color drain from my face (I blanched, get it?). He slowly stood from his chair, food toppling from his frame. My poor cake, I thought despairingly. I was still doing a split in the middle of the caf, thank God I wore jeans and not a skirt today. I looked up at him and gulped. He looked pretty insane; his eyes were wide and screamed bloody murder.

"It was… an accident?" I squeaked, hoping he'd shrug it off and skip merrily along his way.

He gave a hollow sort of laugh. "You know what else is going to be an accident?"

I shook my head.

"Your death," he hissed quietly.

He gave me one last crazed look and stormed out of the cafeteria. He probably wanted to kill me then and there but knew better. All of the moderators were watching anyway. Only slightly ruffled, I ran back in line. Sadly, there was no more cake left. So much for that great day… damn it!

"Are you mad?" Mary asked me as I sat down.

"Matter of opinion,"

"Did you dump that on Heffley on purpose?"

"No, an evil spork made me. Are you going to finish that cake?"

She ignored my question. "You don't want to go making enemies with him, Nichole. Don't you remember Peter Davis?"

Peter Davis, the kid that made the unfortunate decision of calling Rodrick brace-face in freshman year. Although, it was true that Riderick had braces at the time, it seemed to tick him off. From then on, he made Peter's life a nightmare. It got so bad that he had to transfer. No one ever heard from him again…

"Yeah, I remember him."

"I rest my case."

"It wasn't on purpose, Mare. Besides, he'll cool off."

"I don't know… just watch out."

Watch out for Heffley? Pah. He was nothing to worry about, really. I've 'known' him since middle school. He was rebellious but not a bully, although he did bully on occasion. It was more for a laugh than any malicious intent. Being a bully took time and commitment and Rodrick just wasn't one to commit to anything aside from sleeping in class. However, he did get even, hence Peter Davis. But really, what the worst he could do? Trip me in the hall? Throw delicious cake at my face? I wasn't worried.

After lunch, Mary gave me her concerned look and I knew why. Our last class was psychology. It was the only one with Rodrick in it. But I highly doubted he'd try anything in front of a teacher.

"Hakuna Matata," I smiled at her but her expression remained.

I was surprised to see Rodrick and his two friends already seated. Since when did they get here early? I saw that he wiped the worst of my lunch off him and also, that he was trying his best to look innocent. I raised a brow at Mary but said nothing. Okaaay?

I sat down in my assigned seat, two away from Mare. I jumped as insane cackling met my ears. I turned to look at Rodrick and his buddies, bent over their desks and laughing hysterically. I looked at Mary who shrugged and I twirled my finger beside my head and mouthed 'crazy'. The rest of the class filed in, followed by Mr. Murphy, who slightly unorthodox teacher. His class was interesting. We were being given a demonstration on phrenology.

"Who wants to volunteer?"

My hand shot up in the air. Pick me, pick me, I thought loudly, using my telepathic powers to sway him. His eyes scanned the room slowly. "Miss Blanche, come on up."

I grinned ear to ear and went to get out of my desk. The desk moved with me. I tried again. I couldn't budge. What the…

"Miss Blanche?"

"Um… never mind, I don't feel up to it…"

Mr. Murphy looked confused. "Oh, well, alright. Anyone else?"

Mary gave me a quizzical look and pointed towards the back. I glanced back at Rodrick who was trying to suppress his laughter. What did he do…? He caught my gaze and smirked. He held up a small bottle. I squinted to read the label, it read Crazy Glue. My eyes went wide. No way.

'Oh, yes!" he mouthed at me, still smirking.

The dirty bastard! I turned around in my seat, awestruck. Who the hell keeps crazy glue on them? Who the hell glues someone's ass to a desk? This was crossing the line. Cake to the face does NOT equal desk to the ass!

"Mr. Murphy," Rodrick said politely, raising his hand, "May I please use the little boy's room?"

The class giggled at his choice of words. Mr. Murphy nodded, "Go ahead. Don't be too long, you'll miss the Rorschach test."

Rodrick gave me the evil eye as he passed. What was he up to…? I didn't have to wonder long for the fire alarm went off moments later. Oh this wasn't right…

"Alright class, you know the drill."

The room got up and started single file out into the hall. Had it been a real fire, it'd be total chaos. I for one, always vowed to climb out the window in case of fire. But I couldn't move.

Mary came up to me, "What's wrong?"

"I'm stuck,"

"Miss, Blanche, Miss Malon, what's the holdup?"

"We'll be there in a moment," Mary told him.

"Just… shut the door when you leave."

Mary looked at me expectantly once he left. "Well?"

"That son of a bitch put glue on my seat! I can't move!"

"Oh my, I told you!"

"IT WAS THE SPORK!"

"Did the glue soak… all the way through?"

I lifted my tush a bit off the seat. "No, I think its just my jeans."

There was a chuckle at the door. "Well aren't you in a sticky situation?"

I glared at Rodrick. "You know, your jokes are almost as lame as you."

He snorted. "You wish." He said as he left. Was that the best retort he could think of?

"Come back here…! Gah, how do I get out of here?"

"Maybe if you… take off your jeans?""

"W-what?"

That turned out to be the only solution. There I was, in a classroom, trying to wriggle out of my pants like a worm! Mary was holding the desk so I wouldn't fall over like I had the first time. I finally slid out and glared at the desk. I tried pulling my jeans off the seat but the glue held firm.

"This can't be happening…"

"Well, at least its over now…"

"Over?" I echoed, "I still have to run to my Vespa and drive home without pants. My neighbors already thought I was loopy…so much for the best day ever."

"I mean the Rodrick thing." Mary said, "At least that's over. He got his revenge so, that should be the end of it."

"Oh no," I chuckled darkly (Is that even possible?), "It's not over, its just beginning!"

"What are you talking about?" she asked apprehensively.

"It's my turn to get him back," I said, an evil plot formulating in my head.

"Nichole… don't do anything stupid. Remember Peter Davis! Just let it go!"

"Oh I will let it go… once I make him take off HIS pants!" I paused, "Well, not like that. You know what I mean…" I fidgeted slightly, "Is it a bit drafty in here to you?"

So that was the beginning of the end, Rodrick's end, his imminent DOOM! Oh sweet revenge… I could almost taste it. It tasted like chocolate cake. MMM.


End file.
